The Hitchhiking Life Force
by nisachara
Summary: A sacrificial ritual goes wrong and Hidan contracts a strange new 'condition'. Deidara is sent to hang out with the zombie brothers on a mission and old man Kakuzu takes to babysitting the two. Will the mystery of the hitchhiking life force be resolved?
1. Infection

"That's weird..."

Hidan slowly looked down at the mess. Everything was in the right place. All his vital organs were jabbed right through. His opponent was dead.

Or was he...?

Something stirred in him. He was supposed to be feeling the last moments of his opponent's life writhe away in his blood. This time, however, the writhing didn't stop. And it'd been more than an hour.

The Jashinist eyed his opponent closely from the ritual circle. The man's chest did not rise or fall. He remained motionless, a grimace plastered onto his bloodless wide-eyed face. He looked dead enough.

Hidan slowly shifted his gaze left at his partner. Kakuzu was sitting by the wall with probably the most bored expression on his face. Correction: his eyes. There wasn't really much of Kakuzu's face to be seen, just his glowing green eyes. But even _they_ could manage to look as bored as bored could ever get in this situation.

Now that was telling him something: he'd been _too_ long at his ritual.

Kakuzu caught Hidan's eye. A slight movement in those eyes asked accusingly: "You done yet?"

"Yo! 'Kuzu, do me a favor wouldcha? Please! Pretty please? Couldcha go check if that guy's dead?"

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows.

Hidan blushed. His partner was probably silently criticizing him from behind that mask. Never had he not been able to tell if a person was dead. And never had a person _not_ died during one of his rituals. He bit his lip and waited for the inevitable, getting ready to selectively tune out Kakuzu's mocking critique.

"How much would you pay me?"

"WHAT?!"

Although it wasn't any nasty critique (which he actually felt a little bit relieved about), it still pissed him off. Well mostly everything Kakuzu said normally pissed him off, but what kind of low life cheap bastard goes around asking payment for something as simple as checking to see if a guy was dead?

"We're behind schedule by half an hour. That leaves us only two hours to get to our next location, which we obviously won't make in time now, and knowing how the S.J Gang operates, I'll have to pay them for keeping their guys waiting. So since it's entirely your fault we took so long, you're going to have to pay me some compensation."

"What the hell?! Why do I have to pay you just for checking if he's dead?"

"Why couldn't you do it yourself?"

"Because..." Hidan paused. "Because it doesn't feel as if he's dead dammit!"

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows again. "What do you mean?"

"Shit I don't know! It feels weird okay?!"

"Hmm..." Kakuzu checked the fallen ninja.

"It's like there's this weird _life force_ that's running around and it won't fucking stop!"

"He's dead."

"What?"

"He's dead."

"You're serious?" Hidan swallowed. Then could it be...?

Kakuzu poked the corpse in the face. His finger left a dent in the dead man's cheek. "Yeah. He's dead."

_Shit, _he thought._ Have I lost my touch?_ It was the most embarrassing of all embarrassing things. A ninja was supposed to always know if his opponent was dead or not after a battle. It was second nature to them.

So how the hell did _he_, who specialized in torturing and destruction, just go and _lose his touch_ overnight? I mean, weren't these kind of things supposed to happen slowly, like Parkinson's or Alzheimer's? Wasn't there supposed to be some kind of a _symptom_ first before you just lost something like that? A tremor or a twitch somewhere? Hidan flinched. _OMFG Jashin Sama why the hell didn't you at least WARN me first??! _

Hidan closed his eyes and tried to breathe in calmly until his normal skin color took over his black and white ritual tone. He felt lost. Betrayed. "Jashin Sama! Give me SIGN??!"

He felt a sharp kick to his side. "What the fuck! That hurt like shit dammit!"

"Oi! You two!" A third Akatsuki voice rang out from behind the clearing of trees. Kakuzu prodded Hidan a little with his toe.

"Get moving."

"Asshole."

The blonde strode up to them, readjusting his lenses. Deidara had been watching the duo from his position in the sky.

"Hidan, you took unusually long un. We're seriously behind schedule because of you. Why'd you have to go through all those complicated rituals, un? I mean, you could have just easily exploded his face or something. It'd have left pretty cool blood spatters around him too."

Hidan smirked. As much as the two didn't get along, he sometimes found Deidara's artistic passion for destruction quite intriguing. It almost made him appreciate the man.

It was highly unusual for Akatsuki to send its members in groups of three for any mission, but Tobi was sick with a cold and insisted that Deidara nurse him back to health. And much to Deidara's chagrin, everybody else was quick to agree to Tobi's request that he act as nurse. Two days of putting up with a runny-nosed Tobi (who refused to take off his mask throughout the ordeal, irking Deidara with all the images of mucus collected somewhere at the bottom of that mask) resulted in Deidara getting extremely edgy to the point of almost exploding the Akatsuki hideout. That's when the leader decided Deidara needed some time far, far away from Tobi, so he sent him on today's mission along with 'the zombie brothers'.

Hidan picked up his scythe and 'equipment'. He looked at the blonde and glared.

"Tch!"

The hitchhiking 'life force' in him did a roller coaster ride once more and then settled down quietly somewhere inside him.

Deidara glanced over his shoulder, made eye contact with the very pissed off and slightly anemic Jashinist, and smirked.

That was when the unwelcome life force _purred..._


	2. Symptoms

Hidan jolted.

The Jashinist looked wide-eyed in disbelief at Deidara's annoyingly girly ponytail. _Okay, what the fuck was that?_ Why was his heart doing flips at the sight of the blonde Akatsuki's _smirk_? (After all, only _Hidan_ was allowed to smirk.) The Hidan part of him repulsed and went crashing into a deep dark part of him and hid in a moment of shame and guilt. The _other_ part of him continued to do flips on his heart and settle around his abdomen, all warm and fuzzy.

Hidan was genuinely confused. He had just diagnosed himself with rapid progressive degenerative necrosis detection disorder (RPDNDD) which, he further assumed, exhibited no prior symptoms before the disorder actually set in. But was _this_ a symptom? His old familiar self was fighting against his new self, trying to subdue the rapid doki-doki's and resurface his old manly qualities… but to no avail.

Every time he thought back to what happened with Deidara, his heart would beat faster, and then his brain would tie itself up into knots just to push the weird feeling away.

"Hidan!"

The other two stood looking at him almost half a mile away.

"Gah! Jashin dammit I'm coming!" he yelled back, picking up the pace and mumbling curses to himself.

Kakuzu turned and started walking. "You're being exceptionally annoying today," he grunted.

Hidan poked his tongue out at the old man from the safety of his shadow.

He looked at Deidara, who was still waiting for him to catch up. The artist held an expression of utter annoyance, one that he usually wore around Tobi.

Hidan glared.

Deidara returned the expression with a "hnn" as he looked away.

_Doki doki_

The zealot was now getting extremely annoyed with his 'condition'. He'd have to stay the heck away from Deidara if he didn't want to feel any more of that weirdness, because apparently it all started to happen whenever blondie looked at him or spoke to him. He cursed the leader a jillion times over for letting Deidara in on their mission. _Why the hell am I the one to get stuck with a stupid cross-dressing weirdo?_

Meanwhile he let out a very audible "Tch!" to which Deidara turned around, smirked again, and held out his left palm which, in turn, poked out its tongue and grinned at Hidan.

"Gross!"

"Hnn!"

"Godammit you're so annoying! … And gross!" _doki doki_

"Shut up dammit, you're pissing me off!" the artist retorted. "You're the one who put us behind schedule because of your lousy long ass technique and now you're picking a fight with me?!"

"What the hell?!! _You're_ the one with the girly hairdo and slobbery hands, and how dare you insult my religion you sick cross-dresser!"

"I'm wearing the same thing as _you_ are, idiot! So how the hell does that make me a cross-dresser?! And my hairstyle isn't girly you airhead, I need it to cover up my lense!"

"What the hell kind of excuse is that? You could have just gone and worn your forehead protector around it instead of growing out your hair. And why do you have a ponytail? What do you have back _there_ that you need to cover, cross-dresser butthead?!"

"Call me that once more and I'll kill you."

"HYAAAHA HA HAH! Like you could pull _that_ off!"

Deidara winced. "Tch!" He detested the sound of Hidan's diabolically villainous psycho laughter.

"Ooh ooh, have you forgotten? I'm _**immortal**_, cross-dresser butthead!!"

"I don't care! I'll blow you up anyway!" Saying which, Deidara threw one of his clay bombs right at Hidan's face.

"Gah! What the hell is this?! It's a spider! Get it off! _Get it off!_" Hidan danced around wildly trying to pull off the offending eight-legged explosive from his face.

Deidara chuckled, thoroughly enjoying the scene, and quietly made hand signs to complete the job.

That was when a fist as hard as steel pounded right into him, knocked him off balance and threw him about fifty yards away from his spot, his hand signals and jutsu concentration also lost in the attack. Stunned, Deidara slowly opened his eyes and faced Hidan, who was also lying on his side, shocked and speechless. The clay bomb had shattered and fallen off.

Two big hands lifted them up by their cloak collars.

"Alright children, just stop fighting and start hauling your asses out of here. We've got work to do and we're late by a light year." Saying which, Kakuzu dropped them onto their feet, slapped their heads, and proceeded in front of them, map in hand.

Deidara took the opportunity to shove his left arm in Hidan's face, his hand-mouth grinning.

"Get that shitty thing off me!" Hidan yelled, grabbing his scythe.

"Stop being so jealous Hidan!" Kakuzu thundered.

"Eh?"

Deidara's hand-mouth poked its tongue at the zealot (which obviously riled Hidan).

"Why you little…!"

"And S_hut. Up_!" added Kakuzu. "Shut up or I'll seriously beat you up into a pile of toe jam. I won't hold back."

"But _he_ started it and…!"

"I don't want to hear it," the waterfall nin interrupted. "Besides, Hidan, you're the older one, so you're supposed to take responsibility for your actions."

"What the f—"

"You're not allowed to speak." Kakuzu's green eyes glinted dangerously.

Deidara chuckled.

Kakuzu caught his eye and glared. The bomber quickly broke off eye contact, looked down, and quietly started walking.

_I hate being the middle child_, Hidan mumbled to himself.

That was when our Jashinist decided to make a side-mission out of picking on Deidara for as long as he was going to stay with them. However, unfortunately for our zealot, the hitchhiking life force within him which he picked up during his previous ritual decided to purr and raise never-before-experienced reactions in his body at the very mention or fleeting thought of the blonde Akatsuki member.

Now _that_ was a problem that he really needed to resolve. Fast.


	3. Diagnosis

The two men had been waiting for over four hours. Sunset had set in and the small coffee shop was beginning to fill up with long shadows. The air was thick with annoyance, frustration, and suspicion.

The dark haired man looked across the table over his mug at his partner.

"They were supposed to be here hours ago."

He glanced at the time piece on the table.

"Four hours to be exact."

The other man threw his hands behind his head and grunted.

"You think they died on the way here?"

The dark haired one swirled the contents in his mug, his unibrow contorted into an especially wavy line across his forehead.

"Even if they _did_, I still think we deserve at least _some_ notification. I don't see the logic in wasting four hours of my life waiting on three dead guys."

His partner laughed.

"They'll be here. We'll charge them for the wait."

The dark haired man with the especially wavy unibrow grinned at this proposition. The two men immediately began to draw up a rough draft on how much the three Akatsuki owed them.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hidan and Deidara's bickering had only successfully managed to slow them down by another entire sixty minutes, making them late by a grand total of four hours.

Kakuzu was growing tired of acting as referee. He had even confiscated Hidan's scythe and Deidara's clay supply. _What was the leader thinking when he granted Deidara permission to go out on this mission with them?_

T hey turned a corner at the end of the street and finally arrived at their destination: the coffee shop where they were supposed to meet with their informants to discuss the whereabouts of the Kyuubi kid.

"You're late," the dark haired informant stated, pointing out the obvious.

Kakuzu grunted, and laid his briefcase on the table, one hand firmly gripping the handle. "It's all in there." He pulled a chair from a nearby table with his free hand, sat down, and stared long and hard at the two men. "And now, for the other part of our deal."

The dark haired man slid a piece of paper toward Kakuzu and smirked.

Kakuzu eyed the suspicious note.

"Compensation fee," the other informant chuckled. "You guys kept us waiting _four_ extra hours. Heh. That has to be the tardiest ninja organization record I've ever come across!"

At this, Kakuzu snapped his fingers. The informants looked up, a little startled and uncertain, as Hidan and Deidara walked up and stood on either side of Kakuzu. Hidan wore a psychotic expression, and Deidara looked no less scary with his long mouth fixed in a devilish sneer.

The two S. J Gang members backed off a little.

"You know you're not going to get anything out of us if you kill us!" the unibrowed one stated in a panic.

"We're only asking for five thousand seven hundred and thirty five ryo!" his light haired partner added.

Hidan grinned. He sensed fear in the men. "Heh, Kakuzu, do we kill them now?"

"No," came the gruff reply from underneath the mask.

"Eh?" Hidan was obviously disappointed. After all, he really felt like ripping out some guts after having suppressed this instinct for four hours while spewing insults and creative names at Deidara. He admitted to himself that he'd never really gotten that creative his entire life. Name calling was definitely a form of art.

Deidara glanced at the old ninja.

"You're going to pay the five thousand seven hundred and thirty five ryo. Hidan pays eighty percent, Deidara twenty."

The two of them _Eeehh-_d simultaneously.

"Wait what the hell, why do I get to pay _eighty_ percent and girly man over there has to pay only twenty?! What the hell is up with all this favoritism?"

"That's because it was your fault we got late in the first place."

"But- !"

Hidan caught Kakuzu's green glare and 'hrmph'ed. He knew there was no point arguing over it anymore because it _was_ his fault for taking too long at the ritual. But then the other three-and-a-half hours didn't really count. After all, it was stupid Deidara who started every fight, what with all that shoving his hand-mouths in Hidan's face and all. And Kakuzu wasted a considerable amount of time trying to break up their arguments (which he really shouldn't have even bothered to, since killing off Deidara would have automatically solved the problem and put them back on track). And then there was the time when Kakuzu took a wrong turn. He really didn't know how to read a map…

The Jashinist glanced at the blonde Akatsuki, a sour look all over his face. He fished into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

"Here, four thousand five hundred and eighty eight ryo." Hidan threw a wad of dirty bloodstained notes at the table. _That was all of it_, he thought sadly.

Deidara looked at him in surprise.

Turning to his team mates, Hidan added slowly: "You're so fucking mean Kakuzu, you knew exactly how much I had. And I was supposed to buy some shampoo since I forgot mine at home dammit!"

"Hnn."

"What?"

"That sucks, un. I know exactly what it feels like to go without shampoo for a day."

"Huh, yeah." Hidan's eyes lit up in a moment of sudden hope. "Hey, think you could lend me some just for today? I'll pay you back once we get home."

It amazed him that, despite their disputes, the two of them had another thing in common: priority for hair care. Passion for destruction and priority for hair care. This just _might_ blossom into friendship…

"Like hell I would!"

_Why that shitty bastard,_ Hidan thought, erasing all fleeting feelings of admiration and respect for the blonde Akatsuki. _Brat's got to pay only a fraction of what he has and he doesn't want to part with a dime for a bottle of shampoo?! _

Deidara was fumbling with percentages in his head. The Jashinist noticed this and smirked. "That's one thousand one hundred and forty seven from you._"_

Deidara's eye narrowed. "I know that, un!" he delved his hands into his pocket and fished out a considerably smaller wad of notes.

"Don't forget not to slobber all over them," Hidan added, grinning.

Tiny blood vessels almost visibly popped in Deidara's forehead. He literally felt like exploding at the moment.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"

Kakuzu's fists were beginning to harden again.

Deidara chuckled. "No, just surprised. Didn't know you could count."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I'm really good at math you know!"

"I never would have guessed."

"It's true," added a gruff voice. Kakuzu's fists had gone back to normal. "Hidan's got talent. It's a shame he doesn't use it though. He'd make a good accounts assistant."

"Oi oi oi! You know how I feel about dealing with money! Helping you count how much you earned from killing people is the lowest and sickest thing I've ever heard!" Saying thus, our Jashinist couldn't help stealing a glance at Deidara, who was trying his best to suppress a chuckle. He felt something purr inside him.

Kakuzu completed gathering information on the whereabouts of the Kyuubi kid while Hidan fought with himself to control the highly uncalled for reactions stirring within his body. Hidan was struggling with himself silently lest Deidara should hear or suspect something was up. However, the artist was quick to notice. He waited till they were outside the coffee shop to ask Hidan about it.

"Hey," he whispered.

"What now?!"

"What's wrong, un?"

"Huh, what d'you mean?"

"You're acting weird, un. Every time you look at me, you act weird."

Hidan gulped. _Shit! How much does he know?!_

"So… ?" Deidara asked with a playful grin.

"So what?"_ Doki doki._ Hidan looked away. _Don't… don't look at me like that you idiot!_

"So why're you acting weird?"

"I'm not acting weird, so get off my face!"

"Tch! Geez." Deidara frowned.

* * *

"No, we're not staying at a hotel tonight."

"Aww come on Kakuzu-chan!"

"No."

"But I really need shampoo! And it's free at the hotels, so why not?"

"I'll have to pay a hundred times more for the room than for the bottle of shampoo."

"Yeah, so? You'd still get a _free_ bottle of shampoo. I don't think you heard me right the first time 'Kuzu, I said _**free**_shampoo. F-R-E-E. Aww come on, you couldn't have missed that!

"No. Now shut up and go to sleep. We've got a big day tomorrow." Kakuzu laid his bedroll down on the grass and settled in.

"Tch!"

Hidan spread out his bedding next to Kakuzu's and stood up to straighten it with his foot. He looked at the blonde head next to his bedding: Deidara was already asleep.

* * *

"Mmmnh…"

"Huh?"

"Nnh… Dei… dara…!"

"Ohmagod! Holy shit un! Get your dirty hands off me!"

"Nnnh…!"

"Hidan! You idiot! Get off of me!"

"Mmm… ah!"

"Guh! Wh-WHAT?!! NO! Not there! Not there you stupid shitty bast—"

"DEIDARA! What the hell is going on there?! You're scaring the stars away from the sky."

"It's Hidan! Kakuzu help! He's ARGH! KATSU!"

A singular explosion ripped through the night air.

"Hmm…?" Hidan hovered between dream and reality. He felt his arms wrapped around something that felt like it was trying really hard to get away from him. (That would make sense because that _something_ was a very terrified and violated Deidara.) He looked up with half opened eyes at Deidara and smiled. "Hey…" he said as he smirked a super sexy smirk.

"You stupid idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" The arsonist felt one of his hands come free from Hidan's embrace and used this opportunity to land a hard punch on our zealot's face.

Hidan looked around, obviously highly confused. By now the sleep had worn away and he gradually came to his senses.

He noticed his arms and legs were wrapped tightly around Deidara. The realization set in.

"Oh my Jashin! Oh my god! What the fuck? What the **FUCK** were we doing?!"

"_We_? It was _you_ un! You had your dirty hands all over me and you were like all 'mmm' and 'nnh' and…"

"Shut up! Just shut up! Oh god I don't want to hear it!" Hidan screamed, hands over his ears.

"…and making weird noises and… "

"I said shut up dammit I don't want to hear it!" But Deidara continued recounting his traumatic experience.

"…and you were just scaring me shitless un! And then you were putting your hands in here and…"

Unable to take any more of it, Hidan ran away with his scythe to the edge of the river.

"I feel so violated, un."

Kakuzu observed the scene from a few feet afar, and then offered to sleep in between them so as to avoid any further feisty midnight adventures between the two. He sighed and wondered how his old bones were going to put up with more of the pair's gimmicks. They were definitely going to sleep in late tomorrow as well.

Deidara gladly pick up his roll and scampered on to the other side, next to Kakuzu.

* * *

Kakuzu slowly made his way to the river. The zealot stood still, crouched and sobbing by the river bank, rosary to his heart.

"I didn't think you'd go _that _far just to get your hands on Deidara's shampoo."

Hidan raised his head and glared through the tears of shame and guilt.

"Goddamn you Kakuzu, I was _not_ after his shampoo. What the hell kind of logic is that?! It was just a dream okay?! Just a fucking dream!"

"Then why are you so upset about it?"

"Because I've been feeling this way ever since I killed that Amegakure ninja."

Kakuzu raised his eyebrows.

"It's like this thing, this… this other _life force_ got into me or something and it's conflicting with my normal self. Gah dammit, what the hell is wrong with me 'Kuzu?! What the hell is wrong with me?"

The waterfall nin sat in comtemplation.

"Well…" he offered, "either you're just gay, and it's all happening as part of a natural sequence…"

"No! I'm _not_ gay!" Hidan's expression was pained and contorted. "I don't feel that way at all!"

Kakuzu felt sorry for the man. Here was a poor soul trying to live by the strict code of discipline set out by his religion, fighting off emotions and suppressing everything just to accomplish that. The confusion and frustration on Hidan's face was saddening to look, but also quite funny, Kakuzu observed. At least this was a welcome break from having to bear witness to his usual annoying expression.

"Okay," he continued. "Then maybe it's this 'life force' you contracted from the ritual. Isn't there something about such… 'hitchhiking life forces' in any of your DIY ritual books?"

"It's possible… but I don't remember reading about anything like that." Hidan clutched his rosary tighter. "I swear I better do something about it before it totally takes over me."

Kakuzu nodded and left the Jashinist by the river and walked back to his bedroll.

He shook his head and went back to bed, convinced that his initial diagnosis was right: Hidan was finally 'coming out'.

That night, neither Deidara nor Hidan could get a wink of sleep. Deidara lay on his side the entire night, wary, and surrounded by explosives. Hidan spent the night performing a series of 'forgiveness rituals', stabbing himself at the river bank.


End file.
